Dear Domino,

     I miss you.

     I’ll never forget the first time I saw your glossy little face. You were so beautiful, so full of promise. You even had stickers! (I have long believed that stickers are the best way to demonstrate one’s approval and affection. It doesn’t matter that I will never actually get off my ass and make my own throw pillows. Marking the page with a pretty project sticker is more than enough to make me feel accomplished. You instinctively understood this.)  Clearly, we were meant for each other.

     Our first year together was amazing. You made me smile. You made me laugh. You made me believe I could re-upholster furniture with a staple gun. We had some good times, right? So why did you leave?

     I think I need some closure. What happened? I mean, you didn’t even write me a letter to say goodbye. You just left me pining away by the mailbox. I had to learn the cruel truth from the Internet! THE INTERNET!!! I just don’t understand. Was it something I did? (Oh, why didn’t I buy that I HP Mini-Clutch Computer designed by Vera Wang!?! WHY!!!)

     And why on Earth did you choose Glamour to take your place? She’s nothing like you! No class! I could never have what we had with a magazine like her. She doesn’t even know the difference between floor trim and crown molding! I just don’t understand.

     It’s been almost a year since you left. I pick up other magazines from time to time, but I never take them back to my place. I can’t. I’m just not ready. Sure, I occasionally surf the latest design.com site sometimes late at night… (Hey, a girl’s got needs!) But it’s not the same. I just can’t commit.

     I pull out your old issues time and time again – flip the pages, move some stickers around, but it only make me miss you more. I know I need to let go.  It’s time. I need to say goodbye and accept that all that remains between us are memories…

     You remember the time that I accidently subscribed twice, and you canceled the second subscription and let me keep the free gift anyway? That was a beautiful moment.

We’ll always have that.

Love always,

Kitty Lascurain

     For many a military spouse, assignment day is preceded by a lot of utterly futile strategic planning, to be followed by plenty of top-notch whining, some pacing around, and much stressing over whether or not it is a good idea to buy yet another pair of fabulous winter boots. All I can say is... I better wear the hell out of those boots in the next few months because they're gonna be pretty damn useless in FLORIDA!!!

     Yes, my friends. Starting this summer, Jeff and I will be spending the next three to four years of our life sitting on the edge of Tampa Bay, drenched in that glorious and rare commodity that is sunshine. 

     No longer will I pay a small fortune for the privilege of parking in a parking spot that looks as if it has been designed for some toy-breed of go-kart and is located approximately one million miles from my intended destination!

     No more shall I terrorize the fuzzy woodland creatures while driving home from work on the wrong side of the road at 3pm in the pitch dark!

     Never again will I spend an entire day going to six different do-it-yourself stores looking for one lousy light bulb!

     NO!

    From now on, I will jump into my giant SUV, put on my shades, roll down my windows, and drive on over to Wal-Mart, where I will park for FREE in a roomy parking spot right next to the door. After casually strolling inside, I will pick up my light bulb, some milk, and maybe a spare tire or two before skipping over to the register, hugging a bewildered cashier and declaring, “Oh giant, evil mega-corporation, I’ll never take you for granted again!!!”

     (Um…well maybe I’ll get one of those mini-hybrid SUVs instead. That makes me a better person, right? The small Asian children who made my light bulb will definitely forgive me if I drive a hybrid, RIGHT?!)

     And my triumphant return to the aisles of Wal-Mart isn't even the best part!

     As you may already know, my Dad was diagnosed with a rare form of thyroid cancer about a year ago, and although he and my mother have been doing well, being stuck on the other side of an ocean has not been very conducive to my sanity. Luckily, the Air Force decided that I already have more than enough crazy to go around, and chose to send us right on back to Mommy and Daddy before I start an epidemic and jepordize the whole mission.

     In all seriousness, the Air Force really came through for us on this one, and we are very, very thankful. In fact, I vow to do nothing but sing its praises while chowing down on all-you-can-eat shrimp and sipping ice cold margaritas with all the other happy, sun-soaked Floridians.... 

But then I saw this.

     And so began an epic battle between my more sensible side and the side that prefers to spend the day jumping up and down demanding pretty things. (This side incidentally sounds a little bit like Golem from The Lord of the Rings. “My precious! We wants its! We needs it!” etc. I think the sensible side of me is channeling Martha Stewart. )

     After, about 30 minutes of pretending to be interested in smaller, less expensive clocks, I decided that my friend Golem was starting to make some sense.  I reached out and flipped over the price tag...

Martha had a bitch fit.

Martha: “What?! For that price, we'd have to live in it! Move over Heidi! I’m redecorating the whole place!”

Golem: “But we thinks it’s precious! We WANTS it! ”

Martha: “Absolutely not. It’s ridiculous! Surely we can find something more reasonable. ”

Golem: “Mean, nasty, horrible Martha!”

Martha: “We’re leaving.”

     A decisive victory … or so I thought.  But after several hours of sub-par shopping and pushy, German shopkeepers saying, “Goes cuckoo. You want?” I found myself in a familiar shop staring at my original clock.

     And then Martha betrayed me.

     “Well, it is lovely, and how many chances do you get to buy an original Black Forrest cuckoo in Germany? Now that’s authentic décor! It will be a family treasure. I’m sure those children you’ve been meaning to have will just love it… and look! There’s a little cat! You like cats! It’s a sign. IT’S A SIGN FROM GOD!!!”

     I knew I couldn’t trust that woman.

     So, I laid my Visa down and became the proud new owner of a beautiful, slightly ridiculous cuckoo clock. But the saga does not end here my friends. Oh no…

     How, I ask you, does one take a giant cuckoo clock home with them from Germany? One does not. That’s how.  I had to mail it. That’s right. I had to leave it in the potentially incapable hands of a shopkeeper who spoke almost no English… Which is why, as you can imagine, I just about had a stroke the next day when I realized I had given her the wrong address. Of course, we immediately tried calling the store, which went something like this…

Shopkeeper: “Hallo?”

Me: “Hello. Do you speak English?”

Shopkeeper: “Ja. A little.”

Me: “Great! This is very important! I bought a very expensive cuckoo clock in your store yesterday, and I think I gave you the wrong address.”

Shopkeeper: “Ja! We have clocks. Go cuckoo! You want?”

Me: “(Sigh…) Never mind.”

     I am now officially in crisis mode.

     Luckily, we were on a military-sponsored tour to the Eagle’s Nest, and our tour guide, who spoke decent English, agreed to call and explain the problem to the shop. I stood by and listened patiently as he gave the shopkeeper the correct address in German... At least I think it was the correct address. For all I know, he could be the proud new owner of my beautiful, slightly ridiculous cuckoo clock!

     I’ll keep you posted.

     If you follow me on Twitter, you may have noticed that I shamelessly abandoned you for a couple weeks in order to go frolic in the mountains of Germany and Austria.

     As punishment for this reckless abandonment, my subscription widget crashed causing me to lose all but two subscribers. I think I have fixed the problem, but I’m not sure. If you have reached my site today using your regular subscription reader please let me know. If you’re new here, take pity on my sad little soul and subscribe. I really miss my bloggy friends. :(

     ANYWHO… Back to my trip. What an adventure! I couldn’t possibly tell you everything in one post, so it will have to be a bit of a saga. In the meantime, let me present you with the highlight reel.

     And now, without further ado...

What I Did While Visiting the Alps

1) I stayed at the stunning, U.S. military-owned Edelweiss Lodge and Resort, where I ate my weight in unlimited, made-to-order omelets, swam laps in the biggest hot tub in the known universe (It’s so big it actually has an island!), and enjoyed a beautiful view of the mountains while recovering from my daily, omelet-induced coma.

2) I climbed the Alps… and by “climbed the Alps,” I mean I took the CABLE CAR of DEATH to the top of the mountain and then climbed a total elevation of like 30 feet… WHAT?! That definitely counts! Did you miss the CABLE CAR of DEATH part?! You just look at this and then try to tell me that I am not ridiculously brave!

I KNOW. Not as brave as this guy though…

     I saw this crazy dude jump off the mountain right in front of me! (Not Shown: An equally crazy girl running around squealing, "Oh my God, he's gonna do it! He's gonna jump off this mountain right in front of me!)

3) I visited the Eagle’s Nest and learned that Hitler had a flair for interior decorating. He was also a painter and a vegetarian. Hmmmmmmm… You do the math kids.

4) I learned that I definitely can’t speak German. I arrived in the country with a very basic vocab along the lines of: Bei mir bist du schon, Du hass, Danke schon, Kinder, Bitte, Mit, Froline, Schnitzel, Sauerkraut, Lederhosen …which is obviously not enough to impress your average German but plenty if you intend on accidentally insulting the drunken masses at Octoberfest.

5) I may or may not have run up an Austrian hillside singing, “The hills are alive!” and twirling around like a self-amused maniac...aka: American Tourist. (Ok. I’m not gonna lie. I did this at least once. I was going for Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music, but it came off a bit more like Bridget Jones in the Edge of Reason. I did the Riccola Man too. You know you're jealous.)

6) I sang to Austrian cows. I’ve been told that cows will come when sung to. They looked like a decent bunch, so I figured I’d give it a try. I actually felt very successful until the two cows that were wondering my way took a huge dump right in front of me. Apparently, my performance was NOT appreciated…Unless they were terribly constipated before I came along, in which case they have probably built me a small shrine by now… made of poo.

7) Inspired by the Rathaus-Glockenspiel in Munich, I spent a small fortune on my very own cuckoo clock! It plays traditional German drinking songs. NEW HOUSE PARTY RULE: When the clock goes off, everybody drinks! (Picking my precious cuckoo was a bit of a saga. More on this later. )

8) I visited a concentration camp. It was a very moving experience that I will expand upon some other time.

9) I attempted to complete the famous Bavarian Castle Ring in one day and failed. But I did manage to snag a picture with this guy…

10) From this friendly bridge troll, I learned that a single pair of lederhosen can last as long as 50 years… and about three seconds into taking this picture, I learned that they apparently cannot be washed.

More to come!

     Luckily, I am easily coaxed with pretty things. Personally, I think all offices should be beautiful. I mean, if I’m gonna be chained to a desk all day, it damn well better be gorgeous! An office should be a sanctuary of inspiration. It should not be an 8x8, life-sucking, belly-lint-colored cube. (Do you hear me cubicle people!? What sadist decided on suicide grey?!! Would it kill you to make them slightly more cheery?!? I WANT PINK!!!)

   (Ahem...) Even if you are lucky enough to have walls, finding ways to decorate them that are both useful and attractive can be difficult, especially if you don’t own the space. I wanted to introduce a little more color in my beige-haven of an office, but as I am renting, painting really wasn’t an option. Then I came across these spiffy cork tiles…

     A few quick coats of paint and some careful placement, and I had exactly what I was looking for: A cheery, three-dimensional collage of appointments, greeting cards and pretty, shiny things I have scavenged from around the house… 

     The splash of color really brightens the room, and the cork board base is great for pinning down business cards and other small treasures that would otherwise slip into that parallel universe which is apparently accessible from a secret portal within my desk draw.  (Do not doubt the existence of the parallel world...Important notes, the phone number of that hottie you met at the gym, the birthday card you "sent" your Mother…They’re all  there my friend, kicking back and chillin’ with your missing socks.)

Get the Look:

• Cork tiles are available at most craft or office supply stores. I bought mine in the office section of Wal-Mart for around $5 per pack of four. They come in multiple sizes, but I recommend something fairly large, like a set of 12X12s.

• You will need to slap at least two coats of paint on each tile because the cork is very porous and will suck most of the first coat up. Spray paint works well, but the material should absorb just about anything.

• Do not (I repeat, DO NOT) attempt to use the sticky double-sided tabs that come with the cork tiles. They will stick to the cork board about as well as Britney Spears sticks to rehab, which is exactly where you’ll be headed after spending a whole day scraping them off your wall with a butter knife. Tacking small finishing nails into each of the four corners of every square will save you a lot of headaches, and the small holes that result are easy to fill in later.

• Dress your board with a few whimsical accessories. As you can see above, I have added some mounted wooden signs, but light-weight picture frames work well also. I also have a collection on key chains which I loop over pin heads, which add another dimension to the design. When decorating, be sure to leave plenty of room for practical purposes, (it is a cork board after all) but a few well-loved trinkets will add depth and character, and generally make your office a far more tolerable place to spend the day.

     Enjoy!

     It may seem juvenile, but when it comes to the minor battles of the sexes, pouting is my weapon of choice. It worked for me when I was six, and it works for me now. Think of it… All of the intolerable cuteness you could possibly manage as a child, but with a sultry, grown-up finish. What man could resist?    

     As I am a firm believer in the power of the perfect pout, I absolutely love Maybelline’s VolumeXLSeduction Lip Plumper. It’s smooth, delicious, and has just as much bite as Sephora’s super-effective Lip Venom but for a much less painful price. Infused with spicy essential oils, this slightly addictive lip gloss causes a tingling sensation upon application, increasing circulation to the area. Before you know it you’re sporting kissers that would give Angelina Jolie pout-envy! (Take that you stupid, husband-stealing wench!) The tingling sensation also has hidden benefits, namely man-melting kisses, just in case the sight of your big, soft bottom lip isn’t getting the job done.

     As with all lip-enhancing products, these results don’t last forever. You have to reapply it often, but it’s a small price to pay for getting your way, so stick that lip out and start working it! Do not underestimate the power of the ultra-plump pout! Ask for a back rub, a vacation, a puppy – whatever rocks your socks. It may not get you the world, but it will get you the last powdered donut in the box, and that, my friends, is power… Sorry boys.

Hello old friend.

     I guess it’s the New England girl in me, but I love the blustery nights and crisp, cool days of fall. Everything feels so fresh and alive. Fall is also the beginning of the holiday season, which means Halloween is just around the corner! 

     I love to decorate for the holidays, but since Jeff and I have only been married a few years, we are still working on our collection of spooky treasures. Determined to have beautiful, handmade decorations instead of the cheap, plastic Wal-Mart stuff, I spent a whole afternoon combing through Etsy looking for something I could imagine staying in my family for years to come. As usual, I was not disappointed…

1. Pumpkin Patch Window Light by SueSueSueCraft - $35.00. These friendly ceramic pumpkins are glowing with excitement! Designed to sit on your window sill, this decorative light has two sides and can be enjoyed from both inside and outside the house. One side features happy, smiling faces, while the other side is poised to frighten your friends and neighbors.

2. Orange and Black Pumpkin by SeaPinks - $12.00. This little pumpkin made of fresh orange & white polka dot print cotton just makes me smile and is simple enough to enjoy both on Halloween and throughout the harvest season.

3. Primitive Muslin Pumpkin Tucks by Homespunannie - $12.95. These wonderful hand-stiched pumpkin tucks are made with loving care. The material is stained and twice-baked to give the piece a vintage quality, and the final product is rubbed in cinnamon. (Yum!) Each pumpkin has a little “stem” attached to the top with a little green moss and coiled rusty wire by the stem. You get three in a pack! So cute!

4. Gracie the Polka Dot Witch by Sugar & Spice – $32.00. This little witch may be going for scary, but she’s just too darn cute! Entirely handmade, Gracie is 17 inches tall and has button eyes and a stitched face. She is also signed and dated by her creator. What a treasure!

5. Spooktacular Halloween Fabric Banner by Nestables - $28.00. This beautiful Halloween banner is too pretty to be spooky! Perfect for parties, this double-sided bunting is also an excellent way to decorate a front porch, dress up a window, or embellish a fireplace mantel. Best of all, it is reusable, so you will have it for many Halloweens to come!

6.  All Hallows Eve Hand-painted Holiday Sign by CountryWorkshop - $16.99. This fun Halloween greeting sign is made of Medex, an exterior grade building material which won't warp or crack due to weather. The sign is painted, sanded, and sealed, ensuring it will look festive inside or out every year.

Happy Haunting!

A few of my beloved teapots enjoying the afternoon sun.

      Teapots are cheerful creatures, bright and beautiful with round little bellies and quirky personalities. A collection of colorful, mismatched teapots perched on sturdy kitchen shelves or tucked into open cabinets lends a whimsical element of fun and wonder to the space, giving it a country-kitchen-meets-Alice-in-Wonderland kind of feel.  

      A teapot collection is also a creative way to stash away handy kitchen things like clothes pins, individually wrapped teabags and sugar packets, or even a private stock pile of jelly beans. (Not that you’ll find any in mine. No really, you don’t need to look…SERIOUSLY, I love you, but you need to stay the hell away from my jelly beans!)

      Brewing over starting your own collection? Go for it! Here are a couple of cute finds to get you started…

1. Red & White Polka Dot Pot by Fields of Blue – Available at Amazon.co.uk. 19.95 GBP
   
2. Ladybug & Swirls by Burton & Burton – Available at Amazon.com. $17.00
3. Hand-Painted Sun Spot Pot in Blue by Whitters of Chelsea, UK. 7.50 GBP.
4. Bright & Cheerful by Treasured Designs – Available at Amazon.com. $18.99

     Strapped for cash? Why not venture down to your local thrift store and see what you can find. Look for interesting shapes and varied sizes. Once you’ve hauled home a decent bounty, attack those dusty old pots with some brightly-colored spray paint or a decent acrylic. Remember, perfection is not the goal here. Fun, funky and colorful is what you’re shooting for.

     Besides, no one should be getting too close to your handy work… if they know what’s good for them.

     Oh sure, they’re just full of good intentions. They promise to add flavor to your life. They say they can take your favorite dishes to new heights of ecstasy... Yet some how you always end up crying into your sauté pan. You swear you’ll never mess around with that lying, cheating, no-good produce again, but those smooth-talking veggies always manage to roll back into your dinner routine…

“Look, I know I’ve made you cry before, but I’m different now babe. I’ve matured. I’ve got layers. Go ahead, open me up. I’ll push your spicy chili-con-carne right over the edge.”

     And you believe!

     Before you know it you’re drowning in your own swimming goggles, hacking the bastard to death with a meat clever.

      Clearly, this is not a healthy relationship. Believe me ladies; you can do so much better…

      Meet Ore-Ida Chopped Onions.

     These little guys are always there when you need them, fresh, frozen and willing to give you just as much flavor as you need without any nasty preservatives. They’ll help you make dinner, save you a few dishes, and spice up your lunch life for less than a dollar a bag. Best of all, they’ll never make you cry…

     Ladies, I think I’m in love.

      I know you worry about me when I leave you alone for more than a week, and since I don’t want you troubling your pretty-little-heads about me, I thought I better check in. I’m currently buried in three-inch books for my upcoming foreign policy class, and feeling rather sorry for myself. Who knew that procrastinating would mean I would have to do everything at the last minute? (Sigh.)

     On the bright side, all this reading has inspired me. In fact, I think I have had an epiphany. Yup, I’ve definitely figured this whole academia thing out, and I just couldn't wait to share it with you.

     May I present…

Five Rules of Successful Academic Publishing: 

1. Always avail yourself of the most byzantine utterance imaginable to elucidate on an otherwise incomplex subject.

2. If you can’t find a word that is baffeling enough, go ahead and make up your own. No one will question you. After all, you’re smarter than them.

3. Make all your sentences as long as humanly possible removing all standard uses of grammar from your writing so that it is virtually impossible to read but go ahead, and throw in a random splattering, of commas and semi-colons, in completely useless places; just for kicks. If they can’t follow, then they simply aren’t as clever as you.

4. Use the asterisk technique to completely distract your reader with a five page foot note on the Latin translation of something completely random.* By the time they read it and find their original place in the text, they’ll have NO EARTHLY IDEA what you were talking about before hand. This is very important for demonstrating your supreme intellectualism - The more asterisks you use, the more random, useless, or entirely obvious crap you know.

5. Bring out a new version of your work every year. Leave the text exactly as it is, (you know, unless you want to throw in a couple new asterisks or something) and just shuffle the chapters around or screw with the page numbers enough that a student could not possibly follow your class unless he or she is using the newest, most expensive version of the book. (Don’t forget to add a new forward so your students may have the privilege of reading about all the great stuff you’ve pulled out of your ass in the last year - They’re good kids after all.)

* The word “asterisk” comes from the Latin term “asteriscum” or "little star", which was taken from the original Greek term, “ἀστερίσκος.”It is so called because it resembles a conventional image of a star. Computer scientists and mathematicians often pronounce it as “star” (as, for example, in the A* search algorithm or C* algebra). The word "asterisk" is often mispronounced as "asterick" or "asterix"… SEE HOW FREAKIN’ SMART I AM?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      ANYWAY... Forgive me if things are a little quiet around here for the next week or so. I will return to your regular scheduled postings after I finish deciphering this crap.

(I'm not bitter, I swear.)