If you follow me on Twitter, you may have noticed that I shamelessly abandoned you for a couple weeks in order to go frolic in the mountains of Germany and Austria.

     As punishment for this reckless abandonment, my subscription widget crashed causing me to lose all but two subscribers. I think I have fixed the problem, but I’m not sure. If you have reached my site today using your regular subscription reader please let me know. If you’re new here, take pity on my sad little soul and subscribe. I really miss my bloggy friends. :(

     ANYWHO… Back to my trip. What an adventure! I couldn’t possibly tell you everything in one post, so it will have to be a bit of a saga. In the meantime, let me present you with the highlight reel.

     And now, without further ado...

What I Did While Visiting the Alps

1) I stayed at the stunning, U.S. military-owned Edelweiss Lodge and Resort, where I ate my weight in unlimited, made-to-order omelets, swam laps in the biggest hot tub in the known universe (It’s so big it actually has an island!), and enjoyed a beautiful view of the mountains while recovering from my daily, omelet-induced coma.

2) I climbed the Alps… and by “climbed the Alps,” I mean I took the CABLE CAR of DEATH to the top of the mountain and then climbed a total elevation of like 30 feet… WHAT?! That definitely counts! Did you miss the CABLE CAR of DEATH part?! You just look at this and then try to tell me that I am not ridiculously brave!

I KNOW. Not as brave as this guy though…

     I saw this crazy dude jump off the mountain right in front of me! (Not Shown: An equally crazy girl running around squealing, "Oh my God, he's gonna do it! He's gonna jump off this mountain right in front of me!)

3) I visited the Eagle’s Nest and learned that Hitler had a flair for interior decorating. He was also a painter and a vegetarian. Hmmmmmmm… You do the math kids.

4) I learned that I definitely can’t speak German. I arrived in the country with a very basic vocab along the lines of: Bei mir bist du schon, Du hass, Danke schon, Kinder, Bitte, Mit, Froline, Schnitzel, Sauerkraut, Lederhosen …which is obviously not enough to impress your average German but plenty if you intend on accidentally insulting the drunken masses at Octoberfest.

5) I may or may not have run up an Austrian hillside singing, “The hills are alive!” and twirling around like a self-amused maniac...aka: American Tourist. (Ok. I’m not gonna lie. I did this at least once. I was going for Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music, but it came off a bit more like Bridget Jones in the Edge of Reason. I did the Riccola Man too. You know you're jealous.)

6) I sang to Austrian cows. I’ve been told that cows will come when sung to. They looked like a decent bunch, so I figured I’d give it a try. I actually felt very successful until the two cows that were wondering my way took a huge dump right in front of me. Apparently, my performance was NOT appreciated…Unless they were terribly constipated before I came along, in which case they have probably built me a small shrine by now… made of poo.

7) Inspired by the Rathaus-Glockenspiel in Munich, I spent a small fortune on my very own cuckoo clock! It plays traditional German drinking songs. NEW HOUSE PARTY RULE: When the clock goes off, everybody drinks! (Picking my precious cuckoo was a bit of a saga. More on this later. )

8) I visited a concentration camp. It was a very moving experience that I will expand upon some other time.

9) I attempted to complete the famous Bavarian Castle Ring in one day and failed. But I did manage to snag a picture with this guy…

10) From this friendly bridge troll, I learned that a single pair of lederhosen can last as long as 50 years… and about three seconds into taking this picture, I learned that they apparently cannot be washed.

More to come!